receipts and Greek gods

looking through receipts so I could do my taxes made me fucking bleed. Every single one I saw, I remembered what I was doing with you when I was handed that piece of paper. I am not in love with anyone on this planet and am really afraid I will never be again. I told my best friend today that I was flirting with certain guys on myspace just because they are funny and their stupid comments sometimes make my day. But, I just don't like them. I just don't. Then she said your name and my heart fell in my chest. She said, "of course you don't like anyone. because you only like [] and he looks like a Greek god." I felt like shit. worse than shit. maybe she is right. maybe what she said is true. I never thought it was about that with you... NO. It never was about that. That was nice but I fucking loved you because of your spirit. you made me happy. yes, I was happy. you always asked me when I was smiling and obviously happy because of something you did for me...you always asked in a really upbeat way, "are ya happy?" Never once, did I think no and never once did I say no. Am I ever gonna get out of this? Am I EVER gonna stop? just stop? you're coming home in a month and I'll be in Cincinnati studying. i wish i could mean it when i say that I never want to see your face again.